Let me talk! Listen to me and shut up for a moment. Lately, i've been feeling quite down. I suppose its down to stress and stuff. Mebbe you guys will say that this is life and everyone is going through it. But can't one take a breather once in a while? Life? I always hope for a some place on earth where one can experience peace, love and harmony. But, i guess the earth cannot even spare me a metre cube of land. Hope? Isn't life full of hope? Isn't life is about hope? But what's hope when everything is dashed right in front of you? When friends you thought to be crush you like what they will do to a useless piece of paper? When people you thought as strangers back stabs you? When fellow human beings treat you as a unfeeling robot of no sense?
"What is hope?"
I was feeling extremely down today, i had totally enough of school. Enough of my life. Life to me then was nothing but work. Nothing but stress. Nothing but expectations.
Nothing. I felt lethargic. I felt like stepping out of the school gate then and forever. I felt like... death. I could barely control myself. Barely keep myself from crying. Barely keep myself from insanity.
Barely. I needed an outlet. I needed space. I needed air. I needed support. But i guess nobody knew of my needs. Nobody wanted to really help me. Nobody wanted to give me an outlet, give me space, give me air, give me support.
Nobody.Today, during PW, the last of the day's lessons, i was on the verge of breaking, on the verge of stepping out of the school, on the verge of death. I thought nothing could stop me then. I thought nobody would care. I thought that nothing no longer matters to me.
Nothing.As i sat there controlling me tears, I wanted an outlet. A break. A breather. Asking for a permission to skip today's meeting, I waited there, full of hope. But hopes are eventually dashed. Hopes are eventually washed down the dirty drain, trampled on, treated as litter.
Hope. Gone. They say its my responsibility. They say its my commitment. They say i should have forseen that. My hopes dashed, replaced by total sadness, total disappointment, Hopeof almost, fury, madness. Self-control?
What was self-control then? It was about blinking back tears, swallowing my pride, reminding myself to breathe. I was so scared that I would forget to breathe, so scared that i would go mad. So scared of everything. Of me hoping, of me needing, of me slapping them, crushing them like what they did to
my hope.
Hope? What's hope now? People tell me to relax. To chill. Its not easy to even step backwards. To even let go my work of which people around me keep reminding me of. (Note. I said "let go", which suggest its for a period of time. If i wanted to say to ignore my work, i would have say "abandon".) Human? Are Human a feeling creature?
Do they feel pain? Are they all that self- centered? That unfeeling?
I feel pain. Honestly. I never felt as despaired as before. I always thought that if i do not harm a person, i would not be harmed. I alway thought that if i do not hurt, i would not be hurt. But alas, that was never a case.
Hope? Should i continue to hope and risk them being smashed right again? Should i? I'm ready to give up hoping. I want to protect myself from all these pain i've been going through. I want to be selfish for once. To be self-centered. To be allowed a breather.
